Sean Bossinger’s Doings

This week was interesting.

On Tuesday, I walked back in from my meeting that I always have every other Tuesday. It's not a fun meeting by any stretch of the imagination, because it makes things painfully obvious that we really need to retool our organization. In any case, as I walk back into my office, I overhear one of the people who works in my office mentioning my name on the phone.

So, anyhow, I get curious, and I look over her shoulder, and it turns out it's one of our “special customers”, Yuriy Vlasov. This guy personifies dickhead. In fact, I'm surprised that it doesn't say that in the dictionary: Dickhead - dik' hed - n. see Yuriy Vlasov. I'm also surprised that no one has requested a new alias for him at FIU: dick.head@fiu.edu.

It turns out that he called our center on Sunday, and wanted help getting his web-based e-mail working. Since we use Lotus Notes, our webmail system is a bit more challenging than other systems. We use iNotes, which relies heavily on cached pages and cookies. Very heavily. So, after trying to use this system, which we have provided for him, and it doesn't give him the access he needs to his e-mail, and converts his e-mail to different encodings, and, overall is useless as a piece of software could be (by the way, these are his words, as he would use them), he gives up and calls us completely frustrated - rather than calling us to help him initially, or by using other resources we have online. Our rep tried to help him by attempting to walk him through a few simple steps (clearing cache and deleting cookies) but dumbass vlasoviy vehemently insisted to the representative that this wasn't a problem with his browser, but with our application, we must fix the piece of shit (once again, his words, not mine).

What he asks us to do is move him back from Lotus Notes to our OTHER web-based e-mail system that is so simplistic that it just plain works, as long as the sysadmins keep the servers happy. Simple request, and typically we'd grant it. Except for the fact that he is an Assistant Professor in the Department of Electrical Engineering… The College of Engineering has asked us to strictly forbid their Faculty and Staff from moving BACK to webmail after they've made the jump to Lotus Notes.

So, anyhow, the request goes into the channels, on Sunday at 3:00 p.m. This guy demanded a call back at 9:00 a.m. on Monday, and the rep told him that this was not going to happen - that he should expect a call back on Tuesday morning. At this, Vlasshole made the smooth move of threatening the rep with getting fired by saying: “I know who your boss is, and I have his direct line. If you don't make it happen, he will hear from me, and you will be in big trouble.” So what happened? We handled the case in the order in which it was received.

The accounts person, who was the one I overheard using my name, offers to transfer the call to me, and then places the dipshit on hold, asking what I wanna to do him. Wrong question, but I tell her a polite response of: “Transfer him to me, he'll get my voicemail.” So, she transfers him, he gets my voicemail, I get my water, come back, and listen to him say “I can't believe this lack of service, I asked for you and I get your voicemail… this organization has to be the worst provider of service anywhere.” I did at this point what any sensible person would do… I deleted his voicemail, and called the helpdesk that this moron should have called in the first place. The one run by his own college within the university.

I ask the guy on the phone (the one who runs the helpdesk) what this guy's problem is. And the guy tells me that he is, indeed, one of the more challenging people they have to work with at the College of Engineering. So, I give the man the story, and politely ask him to both muzzle and leash this clusterfuck of an imbecile, by directing him, correctly, that he cannot do what he is asking for. The guy insists that he will do just that, and tells me to not worry, he will take care of it.

Figuring that everything is okay, I close the case in our service management system.

WRONG ANSWER

Dr. Dumb Fuckoffovich calls back an hour later complaining that this problem is NOT resolved, and that he demands that the case be reopened. Further, he has the required form for the new account, signed by all the appropriate people, and that he'll be in our office shortly, thank you very much click dialtone.

Ten minutes later, he's in the office. This guy clearly suffers from Short Man syndrome. He is about 5'7″, and has wiry hair, and thick glasses that make his face look a bit like a cross between William H. Macy, and Stephen Root in his “Milton” role from Office Space. The guy isn't fat, in fact he's quite thin… but the glasses - well, you get the picture or you don't…

I grab the account manager, Rachel, and walk up to the counter with her because I'm not facing this Piece of Shitovskiy alone, and because his service request is basically in her group at this point. We introduce ourselves, and ask how we can help him. He says “I have account form signed here. When can I expect account created?” We tell him that it will be within 24 hours, and that we will contact him. Then he asks when we'll be fixing the e-mail so that he can be back on webmail, by forwarding all of his FIU e-mail to this new account he's asking for. Our response was that we don't normally do this, but we'll look into it, and get back to him by the following morning.

Figuring that everything is okay, I leave him in Rachel's capable hands. Fifteen minutes later the asshole is back in the office, and demands to see me. So I go out to the counter and speak to him. Or, as is more the case, go out to the counter go have my grassy ass gone over by his lawnmower of a personality. He, very forcefully, says “What you told me was wrong. You are always giving me wrong answers or putting me on hold. You obviously don't know what you're doing. You told me that I could forward my e-mail. Rachel and Michael both have told me I can't. Who is RIGHT?!” My explanation didn't apply salve to the poor man's wounds. In fact, it was much more like throwing gasoline on the fire.

“We both are. Technically, you can have this done. Our systems will allow you to do that. Your college's policies won't.”

To that, this guy literally blew up at us. “Don't tell me that this is a policy thing. This is not a political thing. This is an application thing. You guys need to give me what I am asking for. You are in the business of providing a service, and I demand that you fix my problem.”

Ahhhh… for those of you not paying attention, you will notice the switch in his tactic here… He wants us now to fix the problem he's having… not replace the system.

So, being the customer service weenies that we are, we confirmed with this knucklehead that he did, indeed, want us to fix the problem, and not convert him. His response was worthy of any American politician's: “No, I want both. I want you to fix my problem, and then forward my accounts to my departmental account.”

So then we go back to the drawing board and tell him that we cannot forward, but we can get his iNotes problem resolved. (Now is the time that you need to go back and look at what we told him before, four days earlier, on Sunday - it is now Wednesday). We get the Lotus Notes sysadmin to talk to IBM about his problem. IBM sends us a fix for the problem. The fix is to clear the cache and delete the cookies. They also send us a list of items that could cause this issue.

This guy, who has a Ph. D. in Electrical Engineering, suddenly has become not only the world's most renowned computer consultant, but also a consultant on professionalism. See, he declares that IBM's response is most unprofessional, and totally incorrect.

We insist that he try it…

He tries it… It works. His e-mail system is now working. We still have an appointment at 9:30 on Thursday morning, to discuss a potential solution… he decides to keep the appointment, and calls me to lambaste me on why it took four days to get him a solution.

If this shithead would have taken the time to work with my rep on Sunday, rather than insist that it wasn't his browser, he would have had his problem resolved in 15 minutes rather than the week it took.

Who gets the blame in this case?

Of course, we do.

But I had the last laugh.

I got to e-mail him today (Friday), to tell him basically from our department, to FOAD - we're not setting up the forwarding unless he gets approval from his Dean - which he's not going to.

But it was quite disappointing to feel as though no one had my six… no one was protecting me.

But what do you expect working for an organization who hires this piece of shit Ph. D. asshole who treats no one with the respect that they deserve.