Due to the recent threat of terror emanating from the United Kingdom, the Equus_SB Transportation Security Administration advises all passengers that carry-on baggage will now be inspected more fully than before. The X-Ray operators will actually be looking at the screens as your bags progress through the scanners, rather than sitting there talking to their compatriots who staff the entrance and exit chutes to and from these machines.
In order that we may make your journey more secure, and (not coincidentally) to help improve the bottom lines of our airlines (and avert their further reliance on corporate welfare) beverages and all liquids of any sort will no longer be allowed to be carried into the main cabin on any aircraft. Water will be available for $3.50 per party cup, with a $0.10 charge for ice. No, you may not keep the bottle, for we're concerned that you might turn water into an explosive agent. Your favorite caffeinated soft-drink will be available at a charge of $2.00 per party cup, as it will dehydrate you, and you'll need to buy a $3.50 cup of water to satisfy your thirst. Again, you may not keep the can, because we need to conserve the amount of trash generated on each flight. Decaffeinated, non-alcoholic beverages are available for a small charge of $5.00 per party cup. Mixed drinks will remain at our customary price of $7.50. Exact change is appreciated.
In order to expedite your passage through our security experience, we are asking all airline personnel, including Captains, First Officers, and Flight Engineers, to drink their entire allotment of alcohol prior to approaching the security checkpoint. Worried about being charged with flying drunk? Don't be. Delays are the name of the game now.
We hope you enjoy your flight.
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